|
It was many a year ago that the hombre, Roberto, sauntered into the bank on a hot July 10th. So long ago that some words spoken had since been forgotten. Nevertheless, legends had been spun, songs had been sung, and tapestries had been woven to commemorate the most complicated bank robbery to ever envelop the county. It lives on to this day in stories and poems, songs, and cross-stitch depictions, with a few missing stitches at the top. Not that it was the boldest robbery ever, nor the largest by any means, but it had befuddled some of the best minds, when trying ta figur out what ta do, since Roberto had his own holdins in The Cedar County Dallas Bank on the day he strode in ta rob it. How much of what he took should he pay back, and to who, and should he be allowed to keep any of the marked bills? Decades later, the robbery is still used in mathematics classes, to help students learn to add, subtract, multiply, and divide, while keeping their eyes on the prinicipal... Not of the school... The principal funds is what I mean... I think the man in charge of the school is known as The High School Principle... Looks like something's not right... I'll figure out the principal later, said Nannopup... Principles before personalities, said Lilliput... Prinz Eyeples for me, said Anacin... She's always looking for a castle in the desert, and marrying a Prinz would be a sure-fire way to get it. Forturnately for the math students, aspirin had been invented, since Einstein and Newton had been arguing about the implications of the calculation derivations and additive divisions and subtractions for a multiplicitous time. Newton was well known to end nearly every argument with the same line, "For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction... It's the Third Law of Motion, and it applies equally to Emotion." Jesus said, "But I still disagree with the First Law... I argued with the Pharisees about it having to do with love of God, and I'll argue with you... It doesn't have to do with sitting still or with being in motion all the time... It deals with life, treating others the way you want to be treated... Do unto others as you would have them do unto you... I call it the Golden Rule, and it really SHOULD be the First Law of Emotion."... He was catching on quickly to the web jargon of ebooks, echecks, ezines and all, for a simple carpenter... He loved using the mouse... "I think it's wonderful they named it after one of creation's lowliest creatures!... Yet it can do so much... By the way, what has Nightmouse written lately?" Freud scratched his beard, "And does that mean that some of my patients should be depressing everyone else with their phobias, the same way they depress themselves?" "Heavy, man... heavy... A heavy body falls faster... Si, tell it like it is... Heavy... Bon Giorno!"... Galileo remained a thorn in their side, ever since Sir Isaac Newton was born on the same day he died. He had proved his own theory wrong. He couldn't understand why he hadn't understood that in his previous life; and, he rebelled against Sir Isaac every chance he got. You know how it goes, two bodies of the same person will inevitably exert forces on each other. There's no way to avoid it. Thankfully the creator of Star Trek understood, and tried to keep people from meeting themselves in time, in order not to damage the time line. Galileo had gotten worse, since some hippies had burned out and been elevated in their cremated ashes. He liked their way of telling it like it is. Not even Nixon, for all his efforts, could get that straight! In his appeal to Americans, he tried to show he was cool, telling them to "Say it the way it is."... Too much law school, not enough life in the man. Galileo had once amused them all... "For a Quaker, he was always leaning the wrong way... Just like La Tour de Piss." The Garden of Eden is an orchard in Heaven. Saint Francis and Luther Burbank spend most of their time there. You can stop by to find them pruning the trees on any warm sunny day, confiding in each other about how many arguments they've settled, yet without any competition between them... Forgiveness, said Francis... Forgive them their thorns, said Luther... And they'd snip another branch, fully comprehending that the trimming was necessary in order to grow stronger and healthier... And good old Albert liked the orchard too... It was a peaceful place when they were all there... "To think that I went to Lambarene when I was thirty... I thought my life was half over already. I wanted to give away the latter half... And I lived to be 80 in that tropical paradise... If I'd had you two to take care of my jungle, I could've lived forever." "You are... you are."...Gandhi would sometimes stop and sit with them after ambling from cloud to cloud, using his bamboo to pole vault when he wanted to make a leap of faith between two clouds too far apart to jump across... "You must always remember, children, when things are at their darkest and you lose hope... Good will always prevail over evil... Always. No matter how long it takes."... He didn't even need to speak the words now, they could read them in his quiet composure. Socrates would pour another glass of synthohemlock, but the others never shared it. Far too bitter.
The hombre looked frustrated, his eyes rolled and his eyebrows were skwiggling around. Something about that hadn't sounded quite right... "Whad ahhh mean is... at forty PACES... an ah kin shute yur socks off!" Bare legs were seen as being brazen on a woman's part, and in this dusty town, spotted with horse eatin leftovers, her stockings were the only thing keeping her ankles clean, so she took him seriously. "Oh, you want your money, Roberto?... Well, we should have 1200 dollars, but right now there's only 300 in the bank. The other 900 is invested, and I can't get to it." "Then ah'll jus take the 300... ALL of it!... In da bag." "Well, okay, but could you just put that gun down?... I've never been held up before... Makes it hard to count the cash." "I ain't worried nun 'bout ya counting nuthin... Giv it hyere... Ya been held up shure nuf." She put the money in the bag, and he left the bank, feeling mighty pleased with how easy that was, and plannin to make up a song 'bout it, "Da Day in Doodah, Doodah, Goin ta Run All Naihyyit."... A week later the sheriff caught up with the famly posse' and they wuz fixin ta do 'im in. "Now's ya'all, jus wait a goldarn minute... I think we's kin figur out a way ta make ya all statisfied... uhhh... satisfied."... He rounded em all down ta da bank. The President of Cedar County Dallas Bank met with them... "Now, by my reckoning, there's four o' ya'all, and your famly 'state holdins are only 900 now, but they're all invested in real estate and I gotta tell ya, I can't liquidate that right now... Roberto had him an account here and the balance was... Let's jus see a minute... He had 300 in his account... And the sheriff caught im with 300, so how bout we split the 900 tween da four of ya, so's ya each get 225... Roberto kin turn over da robbery money, an we'll split it tween the three of ya?" "Oh, no, ya ain't... Ah wanna git mah share!... I hadda wave a gun at that 18 year old teller ta git it... And if ah hafta wave mah gun agin, she's gonna be singin!" The two guys and the liddle sistah that had rode out afta him were getting mighty hot... One of em was fixin a nice tight noose with his lasso, "Ah'm gonna git that little rascal!... He's strummed 'is last song, and kissed his last gal... Gonna be playin a new jig taday." "Okay, okayyyyyy... Just hang on a darn minute!... Then ya kin string 'im up if ya want, but letsus firs jus figur it out?" The President said, "Lookit... I kin split da holdins, so's ya each git 225... An when he pays ya'all back 100, ya'all have 325 fur eacha ya... Ain't that fair?" "Ah ain't gonna be payin dem varmints nuthin!... Dey's gonna git plenty nuff as itiz... Ah got mine, an ahma gonna keep it tous." The President was computing, scratchin on paper... "Naw, that won't work, either... If he give ya each 100, he won't have none left... Be plumb wiped out, 'cept for da 225 in holdins." The lariat noose maker said, "Fine wi' me... Wipe 'im out, rub 'im out, dig da hole an toss 'im in... We's all dun wi' the liddle whippersnapper... Shure nuff can't tell whetha 'e's even famly by da way 'e acts... Runnif off wid all our money n snuff like 'e don'd need nowun!" "Well, so wha' the shucks?... He don't deserve nunothat noways... He jus plain STOLE it!" The eldest brother had dun been ta school an was calculatin sumpin fierce... "Look, let's calm down hyere a bit... Forget 'bout what he took fur a sec. If the hombre hadden o' takin all da cash, there woulda been 1200 total holdins... And we's each equal pards o' da banks shares... So we'll jus divide the woulda been 1200 by 4, and we's got 300 apiece owin ta us... Roberto already got his 300, when 'e robbed da bank... So's just take that oughta his 300... See? 'e comes out even." "Naw, I wanna see im pay us back." "Raahhhght, but lookit this... If he pays ya all, he'll be broke and out o' luck." "Ya got thaaat right... Outa luk." "And if we split the 900 four ways and give 'im 225, when he paid ya'all, he'd be short 75... So let 'im keep what e's got alridy... and ya'll git 300." The middle brother was gittin a headache like he was chasin runaway steers through rocky arroyos with no hat nor bandanna in a 110 degree heat at noon, and chasin em on foot too, with spiny cactus all over da place... "All's I kin say, is ah gotta do sumpin 'bout my darn head... Ah's ready ta split open, if ya'all keep on talkin 'bout all dis hyere money, yu's might as well shoot me in mah head... Let's jus settle it... Roberto's even, an ah'm a gonna lynch 'im ta da first tree dat is high enuf fur his big head." So from now on when the Cedar County Dallas Bank is settling family matters, they always add the loans back into the principal... principle?... and divide by four... THEN they deduct the amount of loans given earlier from those who received them... These loans to loanees are now designated as Roberto's.
Jesus just stopped by, and was pleased... "That's the way, Children!... It's honest, even if it doesn't feel fair... God be with you!" Newton must have gotten the mike from the cherubim again, because the PA boomed, "For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction... It's the Third Law." "Heavy, man... Heavy!... Somebody oughta get that necktie off that blonde haired minstrel... He's about ta become like an ornament on da Christmas tree... Bon Giorno!" "Herr Galileo, Wir habe ein neugeboren Regel jetzt." (translation: "Mr. Galileo, we have a newborn law now.") A brainstorm of the Second Oldest Unbalanced Brother devised on 11-25-02. 
Divide the loan by # of siblings, in our case
4. "Guten Tag." |
